It was a pleasant Sunday afternoon when Simo called me. Hey, I’m going to be in the Schanze soon, do you want to catch up for a beer? What a nice, relaxing end to the weekend I thought, a beer or two at a near-by bar, talk a bit of shit and be in bed early to prepare for another week. Simo arrived at Bedford Cafe before me, and was already half-way through a beer when I arrived. Bad start I thought, I’m already playing catch-up. There was no point wasting any more time, so I quickly sat down at the bar and got a beer. Well it seemed that Simon was a little thirsty this afternoon, and soon he was ready for another beer. I finished mine off and grabbed another too. So there we are, sitting at the bar, having a few beers and talking shit. It all seemed to be going along quite nicely. I felt the urge to visit the toilet, I guess we’d put away a few beers by this stage. When I stood up off my stool, I realised that perhaps the alcohol was having an affect. I made my way down the stairs to the klo and relieved myself.

I returned to the bar to find an old Deutsche speaking with Simon. I was a little surprised, because at that stage he didn’t speak a word of German. Upon reclaiming my seat, I turned and said, “keeping out of trouble mate?”. When he heard this, the old guy spoke up, “Oh, so I suppose you don’t speak the right language.” So our group of two became three. We continued drinking beers and talking shit when who else but our elderly German friend suggests we get a round of tequila shots. Soon enough a girl sitting at the bar who’s date had not turned up had also joined in on the conversation, as well as the guy behind the bar. A few more rounds of tequila and beer, and it was time to go. Simo and I dragged ourselves out, grabbed a falafal and each went home. Next thing I knew, I woke up in bed fully clothed and late for work. At least this time I’d managed to shut the door to my apartment.

Bedford Cafe is in the heart of the Schanzenviertel, diagonally opposite the Haspa on the Schulterblatt. It is really more of a bar than a cafe, I can’t remember ever having eaten there. They do have reasonable coffees, but that isn’t the reason I frequent it. It is a friendly place where you can go and relax with a beer, they have plenty of outside tables in the summer, and you often get some cuties in there. On Friday and Saturday nights, it is usually standing room only. While it isn’t the place I tend to finish my nights, I often will start there. It is a good place to meet with friends, and people there are usually friendly and happy to share tables etc when it is busy, so making new friends there isn’t too hard either. Music is usually the choice of whoever is behind the bar, but nearly all have good taste.
Astra: 2€
Pros: Chilled, friendly, cheap beer.

Cons: Finding a seat can be hard on Friday and Sat nights, closes a bit too early (between 12 and 2 depending on the night)

I recall one night out on the Kiez during the summer, it was late (or early, depending on how one looks at these things). The crowds were getting thin. I had just left somewhere else (maybe Ex-sparr) with a mate of mine in search of something a little different. Perhaps some new sights, or new sounds, or new tastes. As we wandered along Hamburger Berg, something caught my attention, a sound, sailing gracefully through the air. Wait, I recognise that sound. Is it? No, it couldn’t be…yes, it is. Someone is playing Van Halen. Not just any Halen song either, but Jump. I was as excited as a fat man with a döner. For some reason, my mate wasn’t jumping around. I put it down to him being drunk, grabbed him by the shirt and dragged him with me into Nachtlager.

There were still a few in there, although it was only about 1/3 full. At this stage of an evening, one doesn’t expect to have a great selection of people. What you have generally are the scraps and those who are too drunk to know when to go home. The scraps, like that bit of food that fell off your fork and down the side of the couch, aren’t appetising, but hunger makes you do strange things. Looking around I had just about decided that no, I’m not that hungry, when I spotted something.

Dancing alone, she clearly knew how to move. Not just that, but she moved like she didn’t care who was watching. It was nice to watch and I told her so. To cut a long story short, she and a friend were out after finishing work for the night. They happened to be strippers (stripperin). We decided to go back to my friend’s house for a drink, stopping into an adult shop or two on the way to discuss various items for sale, past purchases and bits and pieces on the wish-list. I seem to be getting distracted from the main point of this review, Nachtlager, so I guess we might have to leave it there and get back on track.

I’ve been to Nachtlager a few times. It’s not too bad. It is another bar (kneipe)/club on Hamburger Berg. I find it a bit more low-key than Ex-sparr, but it is in a similar vein. There are couches to chill out on, a kickertisch and a reasonable sized dance floor. Music is a mix of pop and rock, more to the pop-end of the scale. It is busy on the weekends like the rest of the week, but generally pretty quiet on school nights.

Becks 2,70€

Pros: I like the couches, the back room arrangement with the kickertisch and the slightly funky vibe.

Cons: No Astra.

Ex-sparr is a bar on Hamburgerberg; they sell drinks and play music; they used to have a big table you could dance on (but not anymore). I’m not sure how many times I’ve been into Ex-sparr, but I’d say it is anywhere between a lot and a shitload. Unfortunately, for one reason or another, I can’t remember too many details. This may have something to do with Ex-sparr’s close proximity to the Lucky Star (directly opposite) and my history of enthusiastic drinking. When you walk into Ex-spar, you walk into the main dance floor. The music is a mix of current pop tunes and some classic (80’s and 90’s) drunken bar songs. The crowd in front is usually pretty enthusiastic, with a lot of drunk people sporadically throwing limbs around like an epileptic. Not that I should judge other people’s dancing skills, people who live in glass houses and all. If you are really lucky, you might find yourself in Ex-sparr when someone requests Mystify by INXS. In former times, as soon as the first bars came on, a few repeat offenders would jump up on the table and lose their shirts. These days however, the table is gone, so the dance doesn’t quite have the impact it did. Now you may find the motley crew just on the dance floor, or climbing on various other parts of the bar to perform their remarkably sexy routine.
At the back, there is a smaller area with a kickertisch, some benches around the walls and the DJ booth. The crowd back here is usually much more chilled, although usually similarly intoxicated.
So we have a crowd that likes to party, is typically pretty well on the way when they arrive, and music that is easy and fun to dance to. There is usually a mix of looks, but the later it gets, the better everyone apears. Ex-sparr is usually still going pretty strong after 6, and there are heavy curtains on the windows blocking out that annoying sunlight. Because of that, it is seen as some as one of the better places to find some left-overs if you are still feeling horny at the end of the night.

Astra: 2,50€